Better still, hands up who knew?
Buried under some pulsating Six Nations rugby, the FA Cup quarter-finals and the Winter Paralympics, English cricket's rudderless ship spluttered and coughed to yet another underwhelming defeat that was so generically 'England 2013-14' that one might have assumed Sky had put the wrong tape in.
That is, of course, if anyone had actually been watching.
To describe the situation as 'rudderless' is not strictly true, of course. Ashley Giles is the limited overs coach, a degree of continuity in an otherwise perplexing winter. But even he must be wondering what he will be doing in a month's time. Whilst Giles is widely-tipped, the England and Wales Cricket Board remain tight-lipped. We mustn't be told what's going on. That's the law of the beaks.
Despite what Giles and the ECB claim, the upcoming ICC World T20 in Bangladesh is a job interview for 'the King of Spain', even on some level. In the ECB's ever-diplomatic minds, to proclaim it as such would be to disrespect a tournament that England won four years ago- and heaven forbid England might disrespect a competition. After all, they were that enamoured with the prospect of some one-day internationals in the West Indies that they failed to send out a proper squad, instead treating that as a warm-up for the warm-ups for the job intervie- sorry, ICC World T20.
Nobody knows when the ECB are going to move on and appoint a new Head Coach. Least of all themselves, it seems. You'd have thought that they, most of all, would want to draw a line under this winter forever, and focus on the future. They love that sort of Orwellian double-speak of 'skillsets' and 'Brave New Worlds'. At the moment, the ECB's version of a Brave New World seems more like dystopia.
First we had the self-flagellation of the Ashes, then that didn't prove cathartic enough, so we had the KP-flagellation, tarred and feathered in front of the nation. Enough of the martyrdom- it's time for rejuvenation.
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| The ECB en route to the West Indies |
Obviously the best way to do that is to win the ICC World T20, but that's about as likely as me winning Miss World. Even plain, simple, old-fashioned victories in summer test series against India and Sri Lanka may not be enough. Victories against both will be met with the caveat of home advantage- India in particular are awful away from the sub-continent.
No. What England needs is an overhauling of the brand. (The ECB would love that sort of business-speak, perhaps they should hire me?) Exciting, attacking victories. Certain pundits would perhaps rightly suggest that this should rule Giles out of the running, given his links to the previous regime, but frankly, the way the ECB has presented itself recently, one gets the impression you could place Ricky Ponting in charge and he'd have been turned into a faceless establishment void in a branded tracksuit within a week.
England test cricket fans are as loyal as any around, certainly when it comes to forking out money year after year. But blind loyalty is only so much of a justification when it comes to paying upwards of £60 for a day at the cricket. Test cricket is a hard sell in a World Cup year anyway, and, added to the fact we've just been battered 5-0 in an Ashes series and the most exciting player has been made persona non grata, again, it's a wonder that the ECB haven't been seen to be pushing things forward.
To begin with, England need to stop playing with hang-dog expressions. They're at risk, rightly or wrongly, of occupying the same dubious place in the public's hearts as the England football team following a World Cup debacle- we're giving them great support despite ourselves, and giving off the sense that did they not come under the banner of 'England', there's nothing we'd like more than to tell them a few home truths.
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| Alastair Cook looking sad- (Philip Brown/Reuters) |
Even if Ashley Giles is appointed as the steady hand on the tiller, then his brand of cricket cannot, must not emerge as steady. Despite crowds falling elsewhere and 'the Big Three' of the ECB, Cricket Australia (CA) and the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) carving the sport up amongst themselves, test cricket is hugely exciting at the moment. This current Australia team could well emerge as just as exciting as the machine of the 1990s, and with big characters retiring left right and centre, it's an opportunity for new players to become the icons of the game. England need to be part of this hostile conversation, or risk being left behind by Australia and South Africa on the field, whilst the ECB gorge themselves off it. That would not be a palatable state of affairs for the paying public.
Whilst nobody wants to see a return to the revolving-door selection policy of just over a decade ago, whereby one bad innings brought trial-by-media and, invariably, your name scrubbed off the team-sheet, the selectors need to be seen to be engaging with the public, and using county cricket. Why not use a little bit of populism and give the people what they want? There are promising signs- Ben Stokes, Jos Buttler and Moeen Ali are all names in and around the side. The ECB are quite happy to milk the fans for money- picking an overwhelming crowd favourite would be seen to be brave, and get people back onside.
I'm loathe to bring this up again, but the Kevin Pietersen affair was the complete opposite of the healthy fan-elite conversation that the ECB should be aspiring to: the fans were treated like children of warring parents; whilst Mummy and Daddy smashed up the kitchen and screamed obscenities at one another, we were locked in our bedrooms only to be told that it doesn't concern us when we asked if they still loved one another.
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| Artist's impression of the KP and ECB affair |
Whilst we're at it, why not drop a few as well? I saw something on Twitter yesterday that suggested that in decades to come, everyone will assume that ODI records are fraudulent, as there's no way that Jade Dernbach could have accrued so many caps. English cricket fans will not create pathetic petitions like the so-called 'football fans' who want Tom Cleverley out of the side- and, whilst we're at it, I'm willing to bet that at least half of those signatures have never been to a football match- but I'm not sure the clamour for Dernbach to be left out of the side is too wide of the mark. That's not populism- that's common sense. This isn't a witch-hunt against Dernbach by the way. Plenty of others should be nervously shifting their gear from their ECB-branded kit-bags to their County Championship vessels.
English cricket is overwhelmingly more healthy than when Andy Flower arrived, but somewhere in amongst the quinoa and the statistics, a sense of fun has been lost. Andrew Flintoff might not be everyone's cup of tea, but a recent interview alluded to this, and Freddie was nothing if not fun. A figure of fun? Maybe towards the end, but he brought the crowds in and engaged with the public like nobody else (apart from you-know-who), and that is what is needed at this time.
The good ship ECB can use us fans as a raft to carry them out of stormy waters. Just be wary that even the best rafts can collapse.
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